This interpersonal conflict dates back to my middle school, but I can still remember it clearly. There was a debate competition among classes in school and I was in charge of the debate team of my class. There were about six students signing up for the debate and I need to choose only four of them. I went through a short interview with each student and found out who were better. However, one of the two who I decided to refuse was my best friend actually. I thought about how to tell her about it and then I decided to let the other person in charge to tell her. I originally thought the other person in charge would tell her that we, as a team that thought she were not good enough. However, the reason that I, myself thought her as not good enough was told instead. Besides, the situation that I let the other person told her the reason made her easy to believe that it was just me who decided to refuse her. This was quite an embarrassing situation; I did not know what to do and what to say to her. We saw each other every day but felt uncomfortable.
I think this interpersonal conflict is the general case of how to refuse the people who are good friends or even relatives in life, especially in workplace. It is definitely right to put your group in the first place, but how to solve the problem left for your own?
Hi Guo Chen,
ReplyDeleteYes it's true that having to choose between friends and "what's best for the team/group" is one of the hardest decisions to make. And I personally hate breaking bad news to friends.
I guess friendships are all about compromise -give and take, for both parties. Your friend should understand your character and your motivation behind wanting only the best for the group, to attain an optimal outcome. In turn, one ought to handle the breaking of such news with tact...which may or may not be helped by the fact that the person is a close friend. (By knowing her well, you'd know how to approach the subject, and deliver the message 'kindly'; but precisely because she knows you so well too...she might see right through your 'tactful words' and feel offended that you didn't pick her. Hmm...)
But yes, I do agree with your realisation that not telling her in person wasn't such a good idea. Things might not have been as awkward in the friendship had you delivered the news to her personally; after all a friendship's far more important than all these trivial little things in life, no? (:
Hi Guo Chen,
ReplyDeleteDealing with the situation that you have encountered is quite troublesome, but I personally believe that the single most important factor in dealing with the conflict is your SINCERITY.
We all tend to run away from such troublesome situation, but that just cannot make things get solved. Instead, we should face the problem and talk to the person directly. If you are really sincere and think more about the whole class’ interest, I think your friend will sense that and she will be able to accept the fact. Your sincerity will get understood and things then can be resolved.
In life, we have to deal with difficult situation from time to time, but we all need to be brave to face the problem and find ways to solve it, needn’t we?
Oh, one more thing to add. I found the grammar use in one of your sentences was not so suitable. “as a team that thought her were not good enough”, maybe you can use “she was” here.
ReplyDeleteHi Guo Chen,
ReplyDeleteBuilding up on Nanhai's suggestions on grammar, "I went through a short interview WITH each..."
In your blog post, you stated that you decided to let the person in charge tell her. I thought you were in charge, according to your post?
As for solving it, I would meet her directly, and apologise for the damage done, although it was caused by the person misunderstanding the message. Then I'll ask her what would she do if she were in my position, whether to choose friend over skill?
Wyhow
Hi,Nanhai and Wyhow
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing our my grammar mistakes. I have already corrected them.
I and the other one both in charge of this debate team. I think it is good if I can talk to her face to face to solve this problem. At that time, I just did not have the courage to say it to her that I thought she was not good enough. I thought I would hurt her. However, now I think maybe be frank is good choice.
Hi Guo Chen,
ReplyDeleteI believe that it is often true that we face situations like this where we have to choose between friends and group of interest. It is always a tough decision to make as we are not able to satisfy both interests. I have also encountered similar situations where I found it hard to disclose the bad news to my friend and at the same time, getting worried about the consequence once my friend learnt of the incident. And the worst thing was that it was misunderstood that I was the one who played the bad guy. Thus I could fully understand your plight with regards to this matter.
To tackle the issue, you could actually engage a face to face interaction with the party involved and explain things to clear the misunderstandings. As what Yuen May has mentioned, your friend should have known your personality and character so she would have known that refusing her was not part of your idea but the team’s idea. It is actually of the team’s interest to refuse her. And I believe if she was your friend, she would have put herself in your shoes and better understand the feelings that were running in you if you have to play the role of the bad guy…
Hi,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your conflict is rather common in workplace. I think in this situation you should have talked to her initially. Nonetheless, I know it's always hard to tell your friend that you aren't good enough for the team. Actually, the real reason could be hidden. In many applications, the interviewer just state that "you are not exactly appropriate for the place in our college." Just make up some reason. If you think you are lying to your friend. It's a white lie. It would make your relationship better. In Buddhism, Buddha said that the truth should only be said "if it's beneficial to the person."
Nonetheless, what's done is done. Let's talk about how to resolve this. I guess you got to talk it out. Sometimes, awkwardness happens because you don't clear the air. It used to happen to me a lot, but recently I have decided to talk to any person which I am in conflict to sweep away the awkwardness. I know it's hard to start a conversation. Initiation of conversation is always the toughest, but once you have said it you cannot just stop half way. Anyways, good luck for your conflict. Hope it is resolved.
Regarding the language, some of the sentences could be shorten to make it more concise. There was also few confusing parts. "Besides, the situation that I let the other person told her the reason made her easy to believe" could be changed to "Besides, the fact that the other person in charge was the one telling her." This would make it more compact, although your sentence is grammatically fine. To make it easy, you could use a "fake" name to make narration easier. Nonetheless, it is clear and complete overall. Good job.
Oh my, Guo Chen, what a difficult problem situation! You describe it quite succinctly and clearly (aside from the grammar problems). You also correctly classify this as a case of refusing (to accept?) a friend/relative in a work situation.
ReplyDeleteAs far as presenting the situation for this post, it might have been better to not explain to the reader what you had actually done as far as the final decision and allow the reader to try to decide what decision to make.
However, given that you have taken us readers this far in the real scenario, it might be better to explain to us the negative repercussions of your decision, more than just "we...felt uncomfortable," and then to pose the question: what would you have done to avoid this bad result?
Do you see what I'm suggesting?
Some language problems:
a) I need to choose only four of them >>> I needed to choose only four of them
b) with each student and found out who were better >>> with each student and found out who was better
c) then I decided to let the other person in charge to tell her. >>> then I decided to let the other person in charge tell her.
d) that we, as a team that thought she were not good enough >>> that we as a team thought she was not good enough
e) However, the reason that I, myself thought her as not good enough was told instead. >>> However, the reason that I thought she was not good enough was told instead.
Thanks for your effort!